Pumpkin Wings

Morgan arrived two days ago. I wanted to make an update about it, but Blogsome wouldn’t fucking work. I don’t have time or energy to make a proper update about him atm, but I must say that I am very pleased with him. He’s rather ugly right now because I don’t have the proper stuff to do his face-up (his eyebrows are done in pencil and are fucking RED because I didn’t have any better colour), but I’ll fix that as soon as I get around to buying some acrylic paints and a better sealant. For now he’ll just have to wear his hair unusually much in front of his face…

Today’s Vedran’s birthday. I noticed it on Facebook and considered wishing him a happy birthday, but decided against it. Not that I think any of us would actually find it bad and/or all that weird, I’m just too shy as usual. Sometimes I think it’d be nice to stay in touch with him, but I really don’t miss him as much as I miss Emil or even Tobias.

Talking about Emil, I had a small emotional outburst today, or whatever you’d call it. I still can’t get over him, and I’m starting to feel really lame about it, especially since I’ve had two other boyfriends since he left me, and actually am interested in Jack right now. The only time I’ve felt like I was actually about to get over him was the couple of weeks when mine and Tobias’ relationship was at its best. Then as soon as it started going downhill I started missing Emil again.

But ah, I can’t start rambling about that right now, I have to go to bed. Gotta get up at 8 tomorrow and catch the train to Gothenburg, where I’ll be staying with Lina for 3 days. Gonna be really nice to get away from here even if only for a few days, and of course nice to see Lina again - even if it wasn’t even a week since last time, it doesn’t happen all too often.

In other news, I’m so tired I barely know what I’m writing, which is why I try to stay brief about every subject. I hope I’m at least making sense.

They sent Morgan yesterday!

Today has been a bit fucked up. I started feeling bad during our second lesson, in which subject the class is kind of a mix between mine and Jack’s classes. I went into the classroom and grabbed a seat. A minute later Jack and his friends enter the room. Pierre takes a seat like 5 chairs away from me, and Jack actually hesitated when he was going to pick a seat, but of course settled for the seat next to Pierre. Now I’m a ridiculously sensitive person lately, and I almost started crying. Since I always hang out with them during lunch and such, you’d think even Pierre would be considerate enough to actually sit near me, but oh no, no one ever does that. Jack has commented on how I always used to sit alone last year, and well there you go; I don’t WANT to be alone but people won’t fucking go near me unless they pick a seat first, and then I walk in and sit down next to them.

I was actually pissy about this the rest of the day. I barely said anything during lunch, but I tagged along with Jack and Louise (and originally Roger and Pierre, but they disappeared somehow), and watched them have pasta. Louise was going on and on and fucking ON to Jack about how she needed a new computer, then her phone rang and Jack turned to talk to me a bit, but as soon as she hung up she turned back to him and picked up the sentence just where she left it, completely disregarding the fact that me and Jack were talking about….well I don’t even remember what, I think he asked me for the zillionth time why I don’t eat, and if I don’t get hungry. Damn right I get hungry, but I can’t eat with too many people/the wrong people/at the wrong place.

Despite me hating Louise, I managed to get some use for her. I had a hard time getting Jack to discuss our assignment about centaurs, which we hadn’t even started on yet though it’s due tomorrow morning. So I got her to convince him to stay after school for me. (I didn’t want to bring that crap up AGAIN because I don’t want to look like a naggy bitch.) Then after school it turns out he’s going to some meeting with Lousie and the rest of the “environment group” we have at school. He isn’t even a part of it… I don’t know if it was his own idea or Louise’s, however I got fucking pissed and started yelling at him, ending with Jack getting annoyed too and being like “fine let’s go down to the fucking computers and do this shit”, walking away towards the stairs with me running after going “fuuuck I didn’t mean it like that, I don’t want to stop you from going to that meeting, we can divide it and do it at home or whatever, but we gotta do at least THAT”, and then we couldn’t settle on how to divide it, and Jack was again like “fine whatever we’ll do it now, I don’t have to go to that meeting I guess”, and I was like “but…but I don’t want to force you”, and then my voice gave in and I actually started crying. I’m not sure what Jack said (I just remember walking down the stairs to the computer room and telling Jack to hold off talking because I could barely hear him), but stuff calmed down after that. Jack became his usual understanding self, pointing out that I wasn’t really forcing him as most stuff in school is forced anyway, and we actually had pretty damn fun there for a while (those old centaur myths are insane).

After an hour or so Louise and my classmate Marion came down to write some stuff, and then started bugging Jack like hell, demanding that he’d come eat wih them and stuff, and I got stressed and annoyed and probably kinda rude. However, we kept working for another hour or so, then I went home and Jack went to eat with them. He actually seemed pretty hesistant when he realised I wasn’t gonna eat with them because I, as I quietly informed him, wouldn’t be able to stand another second with those two bitches. As much as I’d had liked to pull him with me instead, I keep telling myself that they aren’t interested in him in any other way than as a friend anyway. Because that’s really what it boils down to, my hate for Louise. Despite knowing that she is engaged and has a kid, I keep viewing her as a VERY potent rival. I need to get over it, but I can’t. I want to strangle her every time I see her. Well she is a very stupid and annoying person, but really not someone worth wasting THAT much hate on.

I barely remember what I wanted to be the point of this entry anymore. I feel like it’s just a load of stupid rambling, caused by me being over-sensitive. Is it really that big a deal that someone doesn’t take the seat next to you? I guess it’s a big thing for me because I’ve had too much of it in my life, and because this time the guy in question happens to be someone I love. Anyway, there you go - my day summarised. That’s what I have this blog for anyway, isn’t it? Well, truth is I never wanted to have it as a diary, it just happened.

Just updating for the sake of updating. I need to start feeling comfortable updating here without having too much to say, otherwise this blog’s gonna die.

It’s been 32 days since I ordered Morgan now. I hope they’ll finish him and send him soon. It’s supposed to take 30-50 days, so it might really be any day now.

I’ve got a cold - again. It’s getting annoying.

This week so far has been CRAZY. I barely know where to start, I guess I’ll get the bad things out of the way first.

I’ve refused to take my anti-depressive medication for a week or so. Those damn things turn you completely apathetic, and sometimes I feel that I want to have some emotions and figure it’s a good idea to take a break from those pills. …it isn’t. Yesterday I had the worst breakdown I’ve had in oh, probably a year or more. When I got home from school I threw myself on the bed and screamed repeatedly at the top of my lungs. After that I cut myself for the first time since summer break, and figured I might as well move to the bathtub so I wouldn’t get blood all over the place. Also, as most people tend to agree, showers tend to be calming. So I managed to chill down a bit (I discovered cutting my breasts and watching the blood run from them is very relaxing, almost gives the illusion that the breasts are melting away), and didn’t end up cutting myself too bad. I then figured it was unarguably time to start taking my medication again, so despite it being afternoon (I always take them in the morning) I went to get some, and obviously still not being completely chilled I swallowed 6 pills instead of 3. Now that’s definitely no lethal dose or anything, but HOLY SHIT I felt so fucking ill the rest of the evening I couldn’t even eat my dinner. I’ve been feeling ill almost the entire day today as well. Haven’t had much to eat in two days now (I generally don’t do lunches) - I’m really looking forward to dinner.

The annoying part is that I definitely don’t have anything to be depressed about at the moment. Of course that’s good; what annoys me is that I am so dependant on those meds, I can have those outbursts even if nothing really bad has happened. Sigh. Moving on to better stuff.

Whoever reads my blog frequently might remember Robert, the pretty guy I’ve mentioned a few times. Last week I overheard him talking to some of his classmates, who have some of their lessons with me (my school is mixed like that) about some mmorpg. The next day I was sitting right next to them and they were discussing it again, and I actually managed to gather up the courage to ask one of those guys, Jack, what game they were talking about. Apparently it was Aion, a new mmorpg. Me and Jack talked a bit about it (and also discussed MapleStory, which he’s tried but didn’t like too much), and I decided to try out Aion. So I now play Maple and Aion. That’s not the point however.

The next day, before school (most people get there a bit early because of the trains), I was sitting in a little group with Jack and two girls from his class, one of which (Sarah) I was in the same class as two years ago. The three of them were discussing some dude who was in their class last year, and Sarah apparently didn’t remember him at all, so I asked her out of curiosity if she remembered that she used to be in the same class as me (after all I’ve changed my name and cut my hair). She did remember, she was like “oh yeah I remember that, but you had a different name?”.
Then Jack is like “didn’t you go to this school last year too?”
Me: Yeah I did.
Jack: I thought so, but I wasn’t sure since you’ve cut your hair.
Me: So you went here last year too, then?
Jack: Yeah.
Me: I really don’t remember you.
Jack: Maybe because you dropped out pretty early.
Me: Jack.. How the FUCK do you know all this?
Sarah and the other girl started laughing like crazy, and I couldn’t be bothered to start interrogating him because he might just have a (very) good memory, but it creeped me out a bit.

During the weekend I played Aion a bit, chatted ever so slightly with Jack and another of those dudes who play as well. Then.. I don’t know exactly how, I guess at least partly because his best friend was home ill, but I ended up spending more or less the entire Monday hanging out with Jack. (And finding out that he also knows around where I live..) I even had lunch with him. First time I’ve had lunch during a school day in at least a year and a half. He’s a really, really cool guy. VERY easy to talk to, and actually seems to CARE about stuff. I’m completely unused to people paying any attention to me at all, so having someone actually LISTENING to what I say.. I don’t know how to describe the feeling, I just know that whatever I say I’ll sound pathetic, but it’s really a huge thing to me. I almost thought I was gonna cry yesterday when he asked if I wanted to have lunch with him and his friends, no one’s asked me to have lunch with them in SO LONG. I didn’t actually eat anything, or talk, but I’m content just sitting there listening to them, watching them eat. Really. It’s insane but true.

Today we got a task in school. We’ll be working in pairs for two lessons next week, reading about a mythological/fairy tale creature. Gnomes and trolls and such. Then we’ll tell the class about what we’ve learned. I was sitting next to Jack, and some chick in front of us turned around and was like “ohai Jack who are you gonna work wiiiith?” I was like “*grabs Jack’s arm* MINE.” She was like “oh…..ooookay…”, and Jack himself seemed a bit confused. He didn’t object, though. We decided to study centaurs, since Jack’s friends had already snagged dragons.

I could go on rambling like this forever. Wow, this is crazy. I’ve only known Jack since last week, but he’s making me feel SO much better. I…I think I’m in love.

Today is such a crappy day. Mum woke me up around 6:30 as usual, and despite going to bed early (for me) yesterday, at 10 pm, I was extremely tired and felt kinda sick. Crawled out of bed way too late and had to take my breakfast with me and run to the bus. The train ride went well (unlike yesterday, when the train was 15 minutes late and then went so slowly, by the time it got to Handen, where my school is, it was 30 minutes late). First lesson was OK, then during the second lesson I started feeling really ill, so afterwards I told the teacher I wouldn’t come back after the lunch break, and went to the train station to go home. The fucking train was cancelled. I could barely keep my eyes open. Now I’m finally home (well, I’ve been home for 2 hours, and I haven’t the slightest clue what I’ve actually been doing these two hours, except patching Sims 3 just to find out that it still doesn’t work). Lots of parentheses today! The only good thing about this day so far is that my Flying Spaghetti Monster top arrived. Oh, I forgot to mention, Robert wasn’t in school so I didn’t even have someone to spy on. Boo.

Tuesday was a really bizarre day. I can’t gather up the energy to write about it in detail atm, even though I intended to, but the most bizarre thing of all: some woman in my class asked me if she could hire me to paint a dragon on her son’s wall. lolwut? I’ve never painted anything on a wall before, and besides, I’m not really that good at drawing. People in this school always freak out over my drawings, I had my notebook literally torn out of my hands for closer inspection by retarded bitches TWICE that very day. They need to go look at some real art. As tempting as it sounds to take her offer, I don’t think I would feel comfortable polluting someone’s home like that.

I actually had a great purpose for updating today - and that purpose has been totally beaten. Go me! I intended to write about some other stuff, but I’m too tired and nauseous to make much sense.

Oh, and concerning the blog.. I’ve been really bad at approving comments since I started up this blog, but I intend to do it as soon as I notice the comment from now on, which is really the next time I check my mail after the comment has been made. Replies to comments are always written at the time of approval.

I just ordered my first BJD - a Leeke Min. I’ve spent the last couple of days really thinking about what doll I wanted for my first, but after all it just seemed natural to pick that one because it’s really the first doll I really fell in love with. I’ve been tempted to pick a few others because I already have concepts for their characters and outfits etc, but it might just be good to have something to put random stuff on to begin with. Now I just have to wait a month or so for them to make him and send him. Ahh, patience, something I lack badly.

I’ve moved that BJD wishlist to the left-hand menu. I doubt anyone’s particularly interested in it, but yeah, it’s there. I’ve also, obviously, updated the banner. It needs some tweaking, but I’m happy with it. My English teacher saw me draw the pumpkin. She came over and was like “can I see what you’re drawing? Oh it’s an….angel..pumpkin?” Yes, Phyllis, spot on.

In other news….I don’t know, not much happens around here. I’m sure about the pretty guy’s name now, it’s Robert, and I really should give him up right now only because Robin and Robert would sound waaay too cheesy. Ha. Oh, I had the most annoying dream tonight about having sex with some dude in my class. I really don’t like him, actually he gets on my nerves a fucking lot. (He isn’t as retarded as the rest of my classmates, but he’s the kind of person who thinks he’s sooo smart while really he isn’t that smart. Being smarter than my average schoolmate really isn’t an accomplishment.) He’s also fucking ugly. He looks VERY much like Andreas Kleerup. Anyway, the dude’s fucking creepy. Generally people in my school avoid me, but last week I was sitting in the English classroom and it was more or less empty, and then this dude walks in and takes the seat two chairs away from me, but kinda spreads his stuff so no one’ll think of taking the chair between us. He also tends to appear near me in the couches outside the classrooms. I might just be paranoid or something, but meh. He makes me cringe. I don’t need him in my DREAMS as well. I also love how I sound like I’m having a crush on him but just denying it. That is NOT THE CASE. He’s intriguing, but in all the wrong ways.

I need a name for my little guy now. The BJD, I mean. I’m considering Morgan. Any suggestions are welcome.

My BJD wishlist is getting out of hand. I never knew there were so many companies and so many pretty dolls - and I’m actually really picky with what I put on the list! I think that entry might have to move to a page instead or something.

I’ve been totally apathetic and numb today. During the first break I thought I was gonna have a panic attack and sat down on the floor near the toilets, in case I’d have to run in there and cry/puke. Fortunately that didn’t happen, and I went on just feeling….well, nothing. The last lesson was decent, we had to think over and/or discuss some questions about a text we’ve read, and Daniel poked me on the way out of the classroom so I tagged along with “his” gang to the kitchen. Listening to Daniel talking about stuff, and arguing with Pedro especially, is always fun. For the record, this is not the same Daniel as the dude in some previous posts.

After school I was standing on the train station as usual, and the pretty guy (see previous entry) walked past me like two decimeters away and I probably scared the hell out of him by staring right in his face. It’s funny how every time I see him he seems to be even prettier than I remembered. It’s such a shame I’ll probably never even dare say hi to him. I tried to get to know some girl in his class who hangs with the same gang as him, but I think she hates me. It’s completely mutual (she’s fucking obnoxious), but still bugs me because she was like the only person I could use to get closer to that dude, because she’s the only one I have any lessons with. I’m not the kind of person who talks to random people, even if it’s a really small school, I barely even talk to my own classamtes goddamnit. Sigh. I think I’ve got the dude’s name now at least, but I’m not gonna use it before I’m sure of it.

Ramble, ramble, whine fucking whine. I wish something exciting would happen so I had something interesting to write.

Great, I’ve been neglecting the blog again!

School started two weeks ago, I’d like to say I’ve been too busy with that to update here, but that’s really not true. Rather, it’s given me quite some stuff to write about, but I’m too lazy as usual. I’m really just writing this because I was gonna update my BJD wishlist, and realized that was the last thing I posted here, so I figured I really needed to write a new post as well.

Short update about school so far.. I’ve been there every day, every lesson, not even late once so far. I’ve got a cold, and I’ve had it since THURSDAY last week. Last weekend I barely got out of bed on Saturday, and on Sunday I was so ill I coughed blood, but yet I got up at 6:30 on Monday to go to school. I’m really determined to make it this year, because I’m sick of dropping out as I’ve done the last FOUR fucking years, and I really want to move on and study more interesting stuff. My classmates are as retarded as usual, but there’s this incredibly pretty guy in the class below me who I’ve been stalking since the very first day. (Very discreetly, mind you.) I’ll have to try to talk to him sometime and see if he’s nice. I believe he’s the second prettiest guy I’ve ever seen.

On that topic, not having a boyfriend is bad for me. It’s not so much me feeling lonely without one as me having crushes on all kinds of random people when I don’t have someone to stick to. I’m currently trying to make up my mind about who out of four guys I actually want to go for, because even if I kinda doubt either of them likes me, it’s just wrong to actually start hitting on more than one person at once. What the hell would I do if I was hitting on two guys and then both turned out to fancy me too? It’s not likely to happen, but definitely possible, and would definitely suck for everyone.

I’m mainly posting this as a reminder for myself, but I thought I’d share it. I’m interested in getting a couple of BJDs, so here’s a list of the ones I want, and the prices. Might be updated in the future. If anything exciting happens, like I actually buy one of them, that’ll most certainly get its own post, so no need to look back at this. Oh, and I know Pullips generally aren’t considered *real* BJDs, but I’m putting that here anyway.

Edit:
As of September 13, the list can be found in the left-hand menu. It was getting annoyingly long for a regular blog post.