Pumpkin Wings

I’ve just taken my sleep medication, and thought I’d write down something I’ve noticed. It’s probaby obvious, and it probably won’t help anyone because no one reads my blog anyway, but if people did read it they might had gotten helped…

Anyway. I’ve noticed that I usually don’t get very tired after taking the pills if I’m just sitting in front or the computer (I assume reading and other being-still-activities are the same thing). Then when I get up to go to the bathroom and prepare myself for bed anyway the pills almost always hit me full-on. Sometimes I can’t even make a straight line to the bathroom… I assume moving around a bit helps get the substances circulate and having greater effect. Well, maybe not “circulate”, but ah you get it. It’s not just whileI’m moving; I can’t just go back to the computer afterwards because I feel completely lost (and according to the few people who’ve seen this happen, I act like an alcoholic).

So, if you want your pills to have effect: Wait a while so they get the time needed to kick in. (Mine have effect within half an hour, if I wait more than an hour the effect tends to just go away and then moving won’t work either…) Then get up and have a fast-paced stroll around the room, go take a pee or whatever, and you should be wasted. If anyone actually tries this out I’d like to know if you get the same experience!

Well my pills should have kicked in by now, I’m feeling a bit sleepy but not I-can-go-to-bed-and-fall-asleep-at-once, so Ima go to the bathroom, take a pee, and then hopefully collapse on my bed. Oh, by the way, I’m taking Imovane/Zopiclone, and those pills are for helping you fall asleep within half an hour. I assume this would work on any medicine that’s supposed to make you fall asleep fast, however it does not work on my Lergigan, which are the pills I usually take (Imovane I take when I forget Lergigan). Lergigan needs two hours to work and it doesn’t make me sleepy. However, it makes it easier for me to fall asleep when I do go to bed. I lay awake for maybe 15 minutes - without any medication I can lie awake for three hours.

At the end of the day none of this is probably useful to anyone but me, but I thought I’d post my thoughts and experiences anyway. Experiences are up there, and well thought… I really like Imovane because you don’t need to take it two hours before going to bed. However it’s addictive, and my doctor only gives me a small amout of them to use when I’ve forgotten my Lergigan. Lergigan works satisfactory and I don’t feel the need to change my current ways of sleep medicating, but if I was asked what exactly I’d want, I’d probably say I’d like to have Imovane as my main medication - to me being hooked on one more pill but getting to sleep when you want to is worth it.

I’ve also had Propavan, and that was too much. It was supposed to help me stay asleep during the night, but it knocked me out so completely my mum came home from work during her lunch break to see if I was alive because I’d been sleeping when she left, she’d been unable to wake me up, and I wouldn’t pick up the phone now… I later found out that I should probably had taken just half a pill istead of the two pills the old doctor recommended. Now I haven’t had problems with staying asleep in a long time, just problems falling asleep, so I haven’t tried any lower dose of Propavan.

Finally, I’ve had some crap that my doctor at the time said works well for people with Asperger’s most of the time. It was supposed to work like Lergagan works for me now, but it didn’t do anything. There, list of my sleeping meds through the years completed!

I’ll end this post with Emil’s oppinions about Imovane: He and Tobias are the only people who’ve experienced me on Imovane in real life, and as I said I act like I’m drunk out of my mind. Thus Emil is very careful about it, he helps me remember my Lergigan when he’s here - heck he even brings me the pill and a glass of water every evening. I think something snapped inside him when he had to spend half an hour listening to me telling him a “good night story” which first consisted of my head moving around in space and me telling him what I saw, and then merged into an extraordinarily detailed description of a teapot I saw in my head. When I noticed he’d fallen asleep in the middle of it, I woke him up by yelling “BUTTE”. I presonally can’t confirm, neiter dismiss any of this, because I have a memory loss from that particular night. All I remember is this image of a turquoise teapot…

A few minutes ago I heard weird sounds from Dante’s basket. Sounded like something in between coughing and throwing up. Dante’s basket is on top of my wardrobe, and Brutus was sitting in his box beneath the wardrobe, looking up. I got slightly scared and was just about to climb up to check on him when Dante raised his head, looked around a bit, and then jumped down from the wardrobe and walked out of my room. Brutus ran over to him and started cleaning him. I kept an eye on them for a minute because Dante kept making those noises, but he’s stopped now. I suppose he just got hair in his throat or something. Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that my cats love each other and I really love seeing it. They’re definitely inseparable brothers.

I love Dante and Brutus so much, I don’t know what I’d do without them. Emil says even if he suddenly turned allergic to cats he’d never ask me to get rid of them, because he believes I need them. I believe so too. We got them when I was really depressed a few years ago, because I needed to feel that something or someone needs me. Cats are perfect therapy, I know I’m not the only one who has experience of that.

The discussion about if Emil could ever ask me to get rid of the cats started after he told me the story about the two cats his mother had when she met his father. Emil’s father has been married once before and has two children from that relationship. When he met Emil’s mother his former wife would refuse to let the children visit him if he had cats in the house, because she found cats “dirty”. So to let him see them, Emil’s mother put her cats to sleep. She tried hard to find someone else to take care of them, but she couldn’t. Partly because of this, she never really liked those children. (There are other reasons too, but that’s another story.)

This story makes me so mad. If she’d taken it to court I’m sure she wouldn’t had needed to kill the cats, because it really isn’t reasonable in any way that a father can’t see his children because his new wife has cats. No one was allergic or anything, it was really just that their mother found them “dirty”. I don’t know what more to say about it, but I know that there’s no way Brutus and Dante are getting killed off because of any man. Either you take me and my cats, or you take nothing. I’m really glad that Emil understands that. Not that he has anything against cats, but he knows that no matter what happened I wouldn’t get rid of them for him, and he understands why.

I got a comment from Lina on the last entry with a link to a tutorial for application of fake beards. Thank you, and point taken. However, as I have absolutely no make-up skills, I think the beard would look fake enough to make people view me as a dressed up girl. I’ll look into tutorials for stubble or something, I recall there being a quite easy method which involved no fake hair…

I’m really happy to have an appointment with a gender therapist. When I heard about “bigender” a few years ago I felt like everything just snapped into place, but now that I’ve come to terms with not only being female but having a male side as well, I’m starting to get confused again. I wonder if my male side is just looking to compensate for all the years we’ve been “apart”, or if I really would want to have a sex change. I’ve discussed it with Emil, and at the moment I want my breasts removed but nothing more. In Sweden sex change also means forced sterilization - you’re not even allowed to save eggs/sperm in a bank. If I ever decide on getting children it will be with a man, and if we could have kids who are biologically connected to both of us, then I bloody well want that!

I’m packing Thomas’ birthday gifts atm. He’s getting a book (Pettson! Swedish children’s classic), a stuffed monkey I’ve sewn to look like a MapleStory pet, a monkey-shaped bell on a cell phone strap which I ordered from Japan and two monkey hair clips (I bought pairs, and I only ever use the left-side clips). I’m also sending along some Djungelvrål (Swedish candy), because I sent him some last time and apparently his brother loved them. I love giving people stuff, especially figuring out what to give them! Emil’s birthday was last week and I gave him a book, a stamp with Mårran (Moomin character, I don’t know her English name..), a dinner at a Chinese restaurant and tickets to watch Toy Story 3 after the dinner. Not very imaginative, but I was too stressed out about money to be able to think about gifts the way I usually do. Thomas’ gifts have kinda been collected over the summer.

Talking about money.. As I said before, I haven’t had an income since June. The doctor was gonna put me on sick leave but sent in the wrong paper, then when she finally got them in there was a 3 month turn-around time, so while waiting for that money (which I’ll hopefully get this year) I was supposed to have some other shit (I don’t know the English words for this stuff, but for Swedes: waiting for aktivitetsersättning, should get sjukpenning meanwhile). When we hadn’t heard anything about it for some weeks mum called the uh.. Dudes who handle the requests, and they said apparently I’m not allowed any “sjukpenning”, which my doctor said I was. Lovely! I had a meltdown and threw everything within reach against the floor, and mum gave me some money while we wait for the aktivitetsersättning. I’m so pissed, the doctor promised this would all be done by the end of August.

I wanted to write about something more, but I have no idea what.. I guess I’ll get to it later.

I’m alive. Everything’s pretty much like always, except I’m extremely stressed out about my economy (haven’t had an income since June) - especially as Emil’s birthday is on Thursday and Thomas’ is next week I believe. Oh well, I’ve managed to get them gifts.

I’ve taken my sleep pills and shouldn’t write too much, because I’ll get totally carried away if I do, but I just wanted to say that I finally got a time for a meeting with a gender specialised psychiatrist. It’s on January 5, but hey, I expected to have to wait. There are only two of those clinics in Sweden as far as I understand it, and I’m blessed with one just a short train ride away.

I’m so confused about my gender atm. I’ve discussed it very seriously with Emil, and he’s being supportive. He says if I get a sex change he probably won’t break up, but he really can’t picture the situation and thus can’t promise anything. He swears he won’t break up if I get a beard, though, and he won’t be ashamed of showing himself together with me. This year I’ve really felt stronger and stronger that I do want a sex change, but it’s not worth it if I lose him. As much as I’d like to have a penis, people won’t notice anyway. I don’t tend to show myself naked in public. A beard on the other hand can take away any doubt when I want people to look at me as a man, but I can shave it off when I want to dress lolita or such. Or leave it, if I feel rebellious.

The lolita thing is one of the things that make me so uncertain. I feel very strongly and deeply that I should be a man, but then again I’m attracted to men (I don’t want to say straight or gay atm, so you’ll see me use the word androphile), and I change my clothing style with my mood. Somedays I dress like a casual guy, sometimes I dress casually but with a skirt or dress, sometimes I wear very androgyne clothes. I wear old school metal clothes sometimes, decora-influensed sometimes, lolita sometimes, seizure-inducing neonfest sometimes, all white sometimes, a casual buttoned shirt with jeans sometimes… I don’t stick with a style, I do most of them.

So, if I was to say that I really am a man, I would be a transexual, gay crossdresser. Now trans-communities make it very clear that this exists, but it’s just too far-fetched, it’s just a “that won’t happen to me” kind of thing, one that I feel that people would never ever take seriously. It’s killing me - I just want to know who the fuck I am!

Today I’m going to log on MapleStory for the first time in about a month. Yes, believe it or not.

This past month I’ve realized how much that game controls my life. I get stressed out just thinking about it. Part of me really wants to play, for the fun and the friends. Another part is totally OCD about getting all event items, doing all event quests, etc - it’s like a chore. I haven’t really had the time to play, and when I did have a day or two I just couldn’t make myself because the thought of all the catching up I had to do was overwhelming; especially with the huge ongoing event. Today I’m going to kick that event’s butt - get the quests done and pick up an event chair, and then… I hope Nexon will chill out and let me enjoy some mindless chatting, boss running and just hanging around. I don’t like grinding. I do like quests, but not when there’s a time limit.

What I really miss is Thomas, who’s barely ever on MSN and I almost never talk to outside MS. I’ve missed him like crazy this past week. The last two years or so he’s the person I’ve talked to about everything. Sure I have Emil now, I love him and I entrust him with basically everything, but I still need someone who’s “just a friend”, and Thomas is so perfect. Sometimes I wish he wasn’t so far away, but then at other times I think that’s part of what makes having him as a friend so great. I understand Dutch very well now - I can even formulate simple sentences. We also tell each other about what’s cool in our countries. No matter how much I love Emil and hanging out with him (actually even hanging out with him every day), I still feel like I’m missing a part of myself without Thomas. The only person I’ve ever felt this close to online before was Luis, and both him and Thomas are just as close to me as any “real life” friend.

I’m sending Thomas a package for his birthday sometime this autumn. I don’t remember exactly when it is, but who cares. I wouldn’t hesitate sending that package even if we hadn’t talked for months, but I really hope by the time he gets it we’ll be chatting regularly again.

Not me, of course, but two of the snowball shrimps are pregnant with lots and lots of eggs now! I don’t know if the poor other girl lost her last egg, but it doesn’t matter now; I’ll get baby shrimps anyway - lots of them! One shrimp carries around 20-30 eggs on average, so it’s gonna be a baby boom!

The filters arrived on Thursday evening, me and Emil picked mine up and installed it yesterday. It works, and it’s quiet. The fan shrimps have unfortunately gotten even shyer lately, I don’t know why, so I haven’t seen them filtering yet. However, as I’ve already said several times, those little bastards are well-known for being very shy, so I’ll just give them even more time. Re-arranging the tank a bit yesterday probably didn’t help. I saw Sanjay strolling about yesterday evening, but when I started walking towards the tank she ran away. I assume they’re getting food etc during the night and when no one’s in the room (we once turned the light on in the morning and just caught a glimpse of them disappearing behind a log), so it’s all good.

One of the snowballs is pregnant, and has been for about a week. Unfortunately we noticed yesterday that she’d dropped all eggs but one. That happens, and it saddens me a little, but at least I know the tank’s good enough and getting established as they’ve obviously started breeding. Snowballs are supposed to breed often, and I have several developed males and females, so hopefully I’ll have more pregnant girls soon. Can’t wait for the baby shrimps!

Just in case anyone’d wonder: No, the fan shrimps won’t have any babies. It’s rare for them to breed in captivity, but it happens. However, the larvae need brackish water, and it’s very hard to time it perfectly (moving the eggs to brackish, letting them hatch and get just big enough, moving them back to freshwater). One day I wish to know them well enough to be able to breed them, but at the moment I don’t.

I’m home alone for the first time in weeks. Emil’s probably coming back on Friday, but leaving again on Friday evening. I’m happy with that. I’ll probably spend a while in Skebo in about a week anyway; we have a meeting together in Norrtälje on the 8th (as I think I wrote somewhere before), and then I’ve got a couple of meetings as well. So many meetings… Well, since I got to Norrtälje I feel like they actually lead to something. So that’s all good.

I still don’t have the filter. Apparently the guy we’re buying from orders together with some other dude because his shop is so small, it would cost him too much to order on his own. Now after like a month he finds out the other dude never included the filter in the order. I feel kinda sorry for him, he’s got other customers waiting for those filters as well and it’s not his fault - he called the company several times, and since they didn’t know there were supposed to be filters they just told him the stuff had been sent. Oh well, the new date of arrival is on Friday, and this time it will probably be true since he’s really made sure the filters are ordered. The shrimps will live; the filter shrimps can pick stuff from the bottom and there aquarium is custom built so it’s low, and it’s also fairly well-planted. So, no oxygen shortage. (It’s better with lower water levels for shrimps as they are bottom dwellers anyway, and lower water level = easier oxygenisation. If that’s a word.) I just really want the filter because it’ll provide even more oxygen, and most of all because the fan shrimps are, after all, fan shrimps. They filter stuff. That’s usually all they do, stand in the current all day. The dwarf shrimps also love picking “snacks” off the filter.

I realize that I’ve written a lot about that damn filter lately, but uh it’s been pissing me off.

This blog is suffering severely because of me spending so much time with Emil. I’ve felt like writing a couple of times since my last post, but I don’t want to be like “I have to update my blog, entertain yourself”. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind, but I do find it kind of rude. Anyway, if he’s “entertaining himself” it usually means sitting on my bed playing on his DS or PSP, and I hate typing with someone right behind me. He’s home right now to receive a package, but he’s coming back here in a few hours.

The plan was that he would go home yesterday evening and then I guess we’d see eachother in a couple of days, but now he has to come back because the fish-dude hasn’t received the filters he ordered yet (the company keeps delaying it), which means no filter for me as well. They’re supposed to arrive today or tomorrow now, so Emil’s gonna call him tomorrow to see if they’re in stock, and if so we’ll go pick one up. I can’t handle that stuff myself, I’m far too scared of talking on the phone and shopping alone. Oh and yes, we more or less have to get the filter from him. We could order it through the pet store in Norrtälje, but that wouldn’t be any faster as they only order stuff like once a month. We’ve checked internet, and hey - it’s a filter. Shipping from outside Sweden is expensive. We DID find it at a Swedish online store, but the shipping was outrageous (definitely more than they should charge).

Other than the filter issue, the shrimps are doing very well and since we got the right lightning for the tank last week the plants are looking much better as well. The snowballs are walking around, scratching and picking at everything just like they’re supposed to. They shed a lot (which is actually a good thing; bad water parameters and/or not enough minerals in the food makes it hard for them to shed). Afterwards they (and the fan shrimps) eat the shell to recycle minerals. The fan shrimps are still shy, but Sanjay strolls around the tank every now and then.

Oh right, I didn’t mention that. I’ve named the larger, beige one Sanjay and the smaller, dark blue one is Ogilvy. Sanjay is taken from one of the characters in Dan Simmons’ book Song of Kali (very good book, read it) and Ogilvy from Comrade Ogilvy, featured in George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (an even better book, read it if you haven’t already).

I don’t have much more to say now, so have a picture of Sanjay and Ogilvy!

(Picture taken before we introduced them to the tank, while they were in a plastic bowl.)

The tank is doing well; the water parameters are looking good, the snowball shrimp are active and eat their food. I’ve barely seen the fan shrimps at all but that’s normal. African fan shrimps are very gentle creatures, probably the most harmless inhabitant you can have in an aquarium, and they tend to be very shy a while after you get them. That, and there’s no current in the water yet, we’re buying a filter as soon as the dude we buy stuff from receives the order. I believe they’re doing fine anyway - I’ve seen their antennae waving behing the log where they hide, and I also saw a pile of huge poo next to it so I assume they’ve been eating!

I had a nice birthday. The tank was my main present, but mum also got me two shirts and the obligatory silver spoon (my family has been collecting silverware for me since I was born by giving me pieces on birthdays and Christmas). My grandparents gave me my first silver knife, the envelope for a set of knives, and a lovely turquoise biker-style jacket which was the only other thing than the tank on my wishlist. I also got some money. Emil donated the snowball shrimps - and gave me a remote controlled Mameshiba. Yes, suck on that.

In other news, I’ve got a lot of stuff coming up. On Thursday me and Emil have a meeting together at the habilitation clinic in Norrtälje. They’re gonna give us information about different devices they can offer to help people with Asperger’s in their daily life, and as we both have Asperger’s and both need the information they just booked us both at the same time. A few days later I’m seeing the doctor about sick leave (that’s an English expression I didn’t know, and it sounds odd…) which she’s absolutely positive that I can have starting this semester. I really need some time off school, I haven’t accomplished anything the last five years anyway.

After that meeting we’re having lunch, and then returning for a meeting with the psychologist. I say “we” because Emil follows me to all my meetings, I have a really hard time speaking for myself and remembering stuff at meetings. Someday I’ll probably see the “regular” doctor as well, about a kind of personal problem (it’s not my genitals, don’t get any ideas!)

After Emil and me read up on some mental disorders and syndromes we thought it might be a good idea to ask my psychologist to test me for ADHD and Tourette’s syndrome. I’m all against self-diagnosing (which is why I’m gonna ask for a professional investigation), but me and Emil both do believe there’s more behind the suspicions than just “oh I’m a bit hyperactive, I gotta have ADHD” or “I swear a lot, must be Tourette’s”. Also, they’re both kinda common among people with Asperger’s.

My lovely, lovely psychologist is also looking into associations for transgenderists for me, and until our next meeting she’s getting information about gender investigations and will write me a referral if I’m interested. As bigenderism doesn’t even exist to most people I sometimes get worried that it’s really all in my head, so it would be VERY relieving to have a diagnosis. It would also help me prove to others that it exists and help me come out, especially to my mum.

I know I sound like I’m fishing for lots of diagnoses. I really am not, but the thing is if I DO have any/all of those disorders I want to KNOW about it and get help. I’d rather investigate and learn that I don’t have it than not investigate and not get help.