Pumpkin Wings

Oh my. I was actually going to write about something completely different here, but I just logged on MSN and found an offline message from Tobias (he apparently doesn’t even have the guts to say stuff straight to me, not even over MSN while I’m online), so I’ll quote it. Here you go:

“The explanation for why I’m acting like this now is the following: I’m tired of you, you’re respectless and mean, and we actually share nothing. I’ve made up my mind*, and realized that I really don’t like you, and that I really don’t see how I’m good for you either, except as someone who could stand you and someone who wanted to be a “stupid slave”. I won’t deny that we’ve had nice moments in the past, but all sessions with DJ** have really given me perspective and made me realize the truth. So this means good bye, I hope I don’t hurt you too much, but at least this time I’m honest to us both. If you have any response, you can send it to ***, I probably won’t reply, but I’ll confirm that I’ve read the message, if I receive any. Thanks for the time, but now we’re going split roads. //Respectless, aggressive and stupid slave, aka Tobias”

* = It didn’t really say “I’ve made up my mind”, but it was the closest translation I could come up with.
** = His friend, we’ve hung out with him a few times.
*** = His e-mail

I can’t help laughing at this. I don’t know if it’s shock or something, but I don’t think so. Talk about ridiculous! I barely have words for how he’s victimizing himself! I’ll admit to being demanding sometimes, oh yes, but asking him to bring me a drink or whatever, even if several times, isn’t even comparable to the emotional stress he’s put me through, especially last year. Oh my.. Thinking about it, we might need a break from eachother for a while, just hanging out less. But this.. All I know is he loves to play the drama queen, but what’s new. The best part is his “signature”, it’s like he’s suggesting that I accuse him of being a “respectless, aggressive and stupid slave”. Yes, I call him respectless when he does stuff like what I posted in the last entry here, and I call him stupid in a joking manner. Ah well, I don’t know what good it will do to sit here and defend myself to whoever, so I guess I’ll be writing him an e-mail later. I’ll even consider linking to this post so he can read my opinion here and correct me if I misquoted him (which I doubt as I have the MSN window right here and am just translating), but ah, showing him that I made an entire blog post about it seems a bit childish.

I still wish I could see his face when he realizes he won’t have anywhere to live when he moves to Stockholm to study after the summer.

I’ve been trying to find out how the hell to change the layout of this stupid thing (I’ve never used CSS before), but I feel like puking just looking at a code right now (not because I’m tired of it really, it just makes me physically ill for whatever reason, probably because I’m tired), so I’ll just settle with this layout for a bit longer. Blah. About comments, I think I’ll start responding to them by editing the comment to add a reply section. All comments are held for moderation so I have to approve before they’re added anyway, so I can as well add a reply if I feel like it when I approve of the comment.

I’ve been doing horribly bad the last few days, there is so much I could say about it I don’t even know where to start. I guess I can start by picking up where my last post ended - Tobias. This is gonna be long, but fuck it, I’m pissed and I feel like ranting.

About two weeks ago Tobias logged on MSN. He hadn’t been on for about a week, and I don’t remember exactly what happened the last time we talked before that, but I know we weren’t fighting or anything. We hadn’t really had a fight or anything in a while, and weren’t mad at each other or anything. At least I thought so. Anyway. We talked a bit, he said he was omg so incredibly busy, because he has to “work” at his brother’s company or what the hell it is AND study - gasp - a whole repetition course of Math. Actually no, he doesn’t have to, it was just recommended so he’d “have it fresh” when he starts studying next semester. Oh, and that “work” is actually not really work, but him hanging around his brother and his brother’s friend all day, doing small tasks but mostly just learning about web design. OK, I don’t know how horrendously hard this stuff *really* is, but it doesn’t sound like a packed schedule to me.

So, Tobias’ birthday is on June 2nd, and I told him I have a present for him. I also added (with a bit of sarcasm) that maybe his stressed out life wouldn’t allow him to come and get it. Well guess what? That’s apparently exactly how it is - he doesn’t have time, or even WANTS, to come here for a day or two so I can give it to him. He got PISSED. He threw a fit about how fucking demanding people are just because it’s his birthday soon, and then logged off. I figured he wouldn’t pick up the phone if I called his cellphone, so I called his house and asked his mum to let me talk to him. He replied, I asked him if it was so goddamn bad that I wanted to give him a fucking birthday gift. He said no, and I asked him if he wanted to discuss it on the phone or go back on MSN. He wanted MSN, so we both went back on MSN. I apologized for being a bit stingy (like I was the only one..) and told him I’m really, really low on money atm, but I could possibly visit him to hand it over. He told me not to bother, because he doesn’t want to see anyone. I was like “well I’m not coming over NOW, I meant sometime around your birthday.. Maybe we can discuss it a bit later, in a week or so?” He was like sure, I guess I don’t know how I’ll feel and blah blah, so I told him OK we’ll talk it over in a week, but he gotta actually come online then. He was like “I can’t say that, it depends on how I feel, and that gift is making me stressed out.” He then logged off again, and a couple of days later I wrote the last post here.

Yesterday he logged on again. It was a very short conversation, I can quote it all here.

Me: *Smiley face from MapleStory*
Tobias: Hello
Me: Still don’t feel like seeing me?
Tobias: Nope
Me: Should I take it personal?
Tobias: Yes. I MIGHT get on sometime to talk about that, but now I’m leaving.
*Tobias logs off*

I was like …… and decided to call that fucker and make him explain what the hell’s up. This time I tried his cellphone, but as I expected he didn’t pick it up, so I called his house. His brother picked up, and I asked him to let me talk to Tobias. He told me to hang on a sec and went to get Tobias. Then the phone hung up. I called back to ask if the connection got cut or if they really hung up, though I kinda knew the answer already. Tobias’ brother picked up again and seemed kinda confused, and when I asked he was like “yeah, I guess he hung up. I didn’t know he would, that’s why I told you to hang on…” and I was like “yeah I know, not your fault, I was just wondering.. Do you know what the hell is up with him?” His brother seemed even more confused, so I gave him a very short resume of what was going on and he was like “eh well Tobias isn’t that talkative sometimes…” I was like orly, and just told him I know he can’t really do anything, so thanks anyway.

What. The. Fuck. Really, what the hell? What is that asshole on about this time? I have no clue, but I was so goddamn frustrated. Truth is, I had an outburst and cut up my wrists, which is something I’ve never done in the 2,5 years I’ve actually cut myself. (In all honesty I was already feeling crap before Tobias logged on and can’t fully blame him for that, but I swear to whatever non-existing nonsense people believe in that he triggered it.) Now this is just the top of the iceberg of feelings I’ve had the past few days, but Tobias just topped it off in the worst way possible. Goddam. Why is this crap CONSTANTLY happening? What do I do wrong? I’m totally not actually TAKING this personal, because I know Tobias well enough, but this was 100% uncalled for. What I DO blame myself for, however, is my apparent “talent” at picking friends and - especially - boyfriends who are total nervewrecks and will keep doing stuff like this. Truth is, according to myself, people who know me, and tests I’ve taken, that I am VERY good at analyzing people. Very good. Incredibly good, good enough to know a lot about them after barely even talking to them. Still, I keep doing this to myself. I fucking fail. I guess I’m just too attracted to guys like Emil and Tobias (they have so much in common it’s seriously creepy) to be able to use my senses and actually realize that they’re that instable. I suppose I just keep denying it to myself.

This sure is long enough now, so I guess I’ll be updating about the other stuff that’s been going on in another post here, later. I am better at the moment. Or well, I don’t know if I’m that much better overall, but I’m feeling better about this particular thing with Tobias. Also, I realized that fuckface actually kinda needs me, since he’s coming to study in Stockholm next semester and was supposed to live at my house for possibly as much as a couple of months because he won’t get his own appartment on time. Damn, I wanna see his face when he realizes that. Good times.

First of all: As with my old blog, I don’t really know what to do with comments I want to respond to, since there is no actual “reply” function (not that I can find at least…), and no way to notify people that I’ve responded. I could edit the comment to add an answer, or I could respond in the next blog post. If I edit the comments, the commenters would be required to check back at their old comments to see if I responded or not. If I actually start getting more comments, responding to them in every post would probably get way spammy. How should I do it?

This one time at least, I’ll respond to Lina’s comment here: Yes, I’m on Neovletta as well. The problem is that even if I only miss one day and then keep taking my pills the next day, I’ll sometimes keep bleeding for several days anyway. It’s been like this for a couple of months, but wasn’t before. Really annoying.

Now, I was going to write a bit about some other stuff, but since it’s “only” 2 am and I’m actually pretty tired already, I think I should go to bed instead and write more tomorrow. I’ve been going to bed around 4 - 6 am the past few days, so it’s probably a good idea to try to adjust my sleep a bit.

For the record, I miss Simon a lot lately. I wouldn’t want him as my boyfriend again, at least not right now, but hey, he was my friend for a couple of years before that even happened. I hate being torn away from people I really like, it seems to happen as soon as I get close to someone. (Tobias is also acting like an ass again right now, but more about that next time.)

The one thing worse about having a female body than having blood flooding from your private parts once a month, ought to be having irregular periods. Of course, mine are irregular.

I used to think they would become regular. They say it can take a while. However, having had my period for almost 8 years now (since I was 11), I’m kinda giving up on it. Birth control pills are handy for us with irregular periods, at least some kinds. (I don’t remember what exactly it is, but I think you have to have the kind with one more hormone or something because that’s what controls your period.) This has worked well for me since I got started on them, which was sometime back in the summer of 2006 I think, when me and Emil figured condoms are a fucking huge waste of money. However, lately my period’s messed up anyway. Forgetting to take your pill one day isn’t supposed to be a huge deal, but lately I start having periods as soon as I don’t take a pill. It doesn’t matter if I just had my period either! I had my monthly one-week break from the pills to let my period out just about a week ago. Then two days ago I forgot to take my pill, and boom! Now I’m having my period again. It’s driving me insane, because I never know how long it will last or how much it’ll bleed or anything. Sometímes it’s just a small period the day I forget the pill, but sometimes it’s even like an actual period.

I’m getting sick of bleeding anything from once every 3 months (which is as long as I max. push my period with the pills) to like 3 times in ONE month. Easy solution: Just take the pills every day? No. I forget them because I sleep really irregularly etc as well. Also, they aren’t supposed to act like this! FUCK.

Oh yes. I’ve been considering ordering one for a couple weeks, but I’ve been holding on tiiiight to my money. Today I just couldn’t keep myself though, so I bought a lavender one. Can’t wait for it to arrive, being able to stand and pee + getting a binder = I’ll be close enough to appearing androgyne and have enough androgyne features to be content. For those who don’t know, a pStyle is a plastic thingy which us people cursed with female bodies can use to stand and pee. It might seem ridiculous to pay for something like that, but I’m FUCKING excited! More info about pStyle can be found here, for anyone interested.

Expect a review of it whenever it arrives, and probably some angry ranting before I get the hang of using it XD

So, this is my first post in this blog. I don’t know exactly what to write, I guess I could do an introduction of myself but I’d rather have that on some “about me” page. I can’t figure out how to edit the layout atm (I know *where* to do it, but not quite how), so that’ll be a later project. I’ll also have to come up with a catchy/witty/something name for the blog. Gonna be a later project as well.

I hope to keep this blog better updated, and especially more interesting, than my last blog. I’m sure there’ll be a lot of whining and drama etc here as well, but hopefully it’ll be a better and more interesting mix of stuff. My main reason for this blog right now is to have somewhere to vent about the two things that are currently affecting my life a lot.

I was recently diagnosed with Asperger, and while I don’t care that much really, it’s still giving me opportunities, for example I can get money for studying less than “normal” people I believe, and I can tell my school about my diagnosis and set things up a bit differently. However, it also has downsides. When you tell someone you have Asperger, they always assume things about you, which is rather annoying of course. Also I have to go to the lamest meetings because of it. I’m sure I’ll be ranting about that here.

Androgyne is obviously something I’ve been my whole life, but just started taking seriously and exploring further last year. Right now I’m looking into ways to make myself appear more androgyne, and also coming out with it to friends and - eventually - family. Actually, what I really feel the need to blog about is the progress I make here.

I hope that was a decent intro, and if not….well, I don’t really care. It’s 1 am and I’m so tired my body’s shaking, so I’m settling with this anyway. Thanks for checking me out, and welcome back. (I’ll be the first to admit that sounded gay.)