Pumpkin Wings

This week so far has been CRAZY. I barely know where to start, I guess I’ll get the bad things out of the way first.

I’ve refused to take my anti-depressive medication for a week or so. Those damn things turn you completely apathetic, and sometimes I feel that I want to have some emotions and figure it’s a good idea to take a break from those pills. …it isn’t. Yesterday I had the worst breakdown I’ve had in oh, probably a year or more. When I got home from school I threw myself on the bed and screamed repeatedly at the top of my lungs. After that I cut myself for the first time since summer break, and figured I might as well move to the bathtub so I wouldn’t get blood all over the place. Also, as most people tend to agree, showers tend to be calming. So I managed to chill down a bit (I discovered cutting my breasts and watching the blood run from them is very relaxing, almost gives the illusion that the breasts are melting away), and didn’t end up cutting myself too bad. I then figured it was unarguably time to start taking my medication again, so despite it being afternoon (I always take them in the morning) I went to get some, and obviously still not being completely chilled I swallowed 6 pills instead of 3. Now that’s definitely no lethal dose or anything, but HOLY SHIT I felt so fucking ill the rest of the evening I couldn’t even eat my dinner. I’ve been feeling ill almost the entire day today as well. Haven’t had much to eat in two days now (I generally don’t do lunches) - I’m really looking forward to dinner.

The annoying part is that I definitely don’t have anything to be depressed about at the moment. Of course that’s good; what annoys me is that I am so dependant on those meds, I can have those outbursts even if nothing really bad has happened. Sigh. Moving on to better stuff.

Whoever reads my blog frequently might remember Robert, the pretty guy I’ve mentioned a few times. Last week I overheard him talking to some of his classmates, who have some of their lessons with me (my school is mixed like that) about some mmorpg. The next day I was sitting right next to them and they were discussing it again, and I actually managed to gather up the courage to ask one of those guys, Jack, what game they were talking about. Apparently it was Aion, a new mmorpg. Me and Jack talked a bit about it (and also discussed MapleStory, which he’s tried but didn’t like too much), and I decided to try out Aion. So I now play Maple and Aion. That’s not the point however.

The next day, before school (most people get there a bit early because of the trains), I was sitting in a little group with Jack and two girls from his class, one of which (Sarah) I was in the same class as two years ago. The three of them were discussing some dude who was in their class last year, and Sarah apparently didn’t remember him at all, so I asked her out of curiosity if she remembered that she used to be in the same class as me (after all I’ve changed my name and cut my hair). She did remember, she was like “oh yeah I remember that, but you had a different name?”.
Then Jack is like “didn’t you go to this school last year too?”
Me: Yeah I did.
Jack: I thought so, but I wasn’t sure since you’ve cut your hair.
Me: So you went here last year too, then?
Jack: Yeah.
Me: I really don’t remember you.
Jack: Maybe because you dropped out pretty early.
Me: Jack.. How the FUCK do you know all this?
Sarah and the other girl started laughing like crazy, and I couldn’t be bothered to start interrogating him because he might just have a (very) good memory, but it creeped me out a bit.

During the weekend I played Aion a bit, chatted ever so slightly with Jack and another of those dudes who play as well. Then.. I don’t know exactly how, I guess at least partly because his best friend was home ill, but I ended up spending more or less the entire Monday hanging out with Jack. (And finding out that he also knows around where I live..) I even had lunch with him. First time I’ve had lunch during a school day in at least a year and a half. He’s a really, really cool guy. VERY easy to talk to, and actually seems to CARE about stuff. I’m completely unused to people paying any attention to me at all, so having someone actually LISTENING to what I say.. I don’t know how to describe the feeling, I just know that whatever I say I’ll sound pathetic, but it’s really a huge thing to me. I almost thought I was gonna cry yesterday when he asked if I wanted to have lunch with him and his friends, no one’s asked me to have lunch with them in SO LONG. I didn’t actually eat anything, or talk, but I’m content just sitting there listening to them, watching them eat. Really. It’s insane but true.

Today we got a task in school. We’ll be working in pairs for two lessons next week, reading about a mythological/fairy tale creature. Gnomes and trolls and such. Then we’ll tell the class about what we’ve learned. I was sitting next to Jack, and some chick in front of us turned around and was like “ohai Jack who are you gonna work wiiiith?” I was like “*grabs Jack’s arm* MINE.” She was like “oh…..ooookay…”, and Jack himself seemed a bit confused. He didn’t object, though. We decided to study centaurs, since Jack’s friends had already snagged dragons.

I could go on rambling like this forever. Wow, this is crazy. I’ve only known Jack since last week, but he’s making me feel SO much better. I…I think I’m in love.