Pumpkin Wings

There are 13 of these at the Mameshiba Official Fan Channel, and it seems they’re adding more!

I was so good at updating here for a while, but I’m slacking off again. I’m in school now, lunch break, and the keyboards here are disastrous, so if there are unusual amounts on typos I’ll blame them on that.

I’m getting along better with my classmates. I still don’t like most of them, but I can stand them for limited amounts of time. While I don’t want to hang out with most of them after school it’s fine to have lunch with them and such. Almost all of them must think that they are my ONE friend in the school, because whoever I’m with I tend to say a lot of shit about whoever isn’t present atm. The only person I really like would be Daniel. Well we have two Daniels, but yeah, one of them. I’m also liking Dennis better lately, but I’m very split about him. Muhanned is nice too, but he’s a bit too easy to insult for me to feel comfortable around him.

Jack is still lovely of course. I don’t lunch with him and his friends every day though, because if we don’t have the lesson before lunch together they tend to leave for lunch before my lesson ends. I actually think that’s good though; I’d feel too clingy if I ALWAYS went with them.

I really don’t know why I haven’t blocked and deleted Simon yet. All he does is write to me every day to insult me in one way or another; just now he wrote and was like “for fuck’s sake stop listening to Def Leppard” (it amazes me how he ALWAYS manages to write to me when I’m listening to an 80’s song, he gotta be fucking staring at his MSN window checking for status updates 24/7). Not that this is a horrible insult, but he tends to do more personal attacks as well, it varies. Still I can’t make myself block him - maybe because he’s the only one of my exes who still talks to me. Actually, PROBABLY because of that.

Mum left for a trip to Gothenburg with her job this morning. Before 8pm both she and grandma had called me to check if I was doing alright. I should probably be glad someone cares, and in grandma’s case I’m fine with it, but mum on the other hand… I just get the feeling of being watched. She’s always treating me like I’m still 10. It’s not like I’m 18 and *barely* an adult now - I’m fucking TWENTY.

She’ll come back on Thursday. It’s gonna be DAMN nice to be alone for a bit, even if it’s really just two days. I really want to move out, but I also want to have someone to move in with, and I don’t. I don’t think I’d be able to handle living on my own. Maybe it’d work if I had people (other than mum) who could visit me OFTEN, but I don’t. Oh well, I guess one day I will.

Oh, one of the best things about being home alone overnight: sleeping naked. I’ve also been looking into getting some male underwear so I can walk around topless and feel manly, but I barely even know where to start looking. Anyone knows of a brand that makes colourful undies for men?

I had a long talk with Daniel on MSN yesterday. (I probably need to invent nicknames as I know so damn many Daniels atm.. This is Tobias’ friend.) We talked about exes and relationships and I dunno.. Feelings in general I believe. I barely remember, I was way too tired and upset. I needed that talk though. I really don’t understand why Daniel hasn’t like, blocked and deleted me yet, but I’m glad he hasn’t.

I’ve been thinking about the stuff we talked about, especially my relationship with Tobias. Daniel told me Tobias has a new girlfriend, which did sadden me, but imagining that Tobias would agree to give our relationship another try I still don’t think I would actually want to. I’m not in love with him anymore, which is of course a good thing. So what’s the problem? I’m starting to think that I have some kind of stupid need to “own” people. I don’t love him, I don’t particularly miss him, but when he manages to find someone else.. Punch in the face. I couldn’t care less about him if he was single; I wouldn’t try to get him back or anything, but THIS bothers me even though I STILL don’t want him back. I just want him to remain available for some reason that is beyond me. It’s actually more or less the same with all my exes, except Emil I suppose, as I actually would take Emil back.

Conclusion: I am a fucking obsessive bitch who wants to own people’s lives. Can’t be healthy.

I listened to the song Healing Winds (the background music from the museum in Soul Calibur III) without crying today, for the first time since me and Emil broke up about 2,5 years ago. I have extremely strong associations with that song, from the day we consider the day we got together. At first after he’d broken up I couldn’t even listen to the whole song - I had extremely bad mental breakdowns and had to turn it off. Maybe a year ago or so I could listen to the whole song, but not without crying at least a little. I still feel very melancholic listening to it, I had to stop browsing Etsy for a couple of minutes and close my eyes, but I don’t cry anymore. I seem to never cry anymore. I used to cry a lot - because of anything, more or less - but not the last few months. I just feel so apathetic all the time nowadays. Sure I have moments of joy and sadness, but as soon as I’m left alone I seem to just go into some apathy-mode. I sit here hitting the update button on some websites, occasionally grabbing a pen, doodling something on my computer table, and then wiping it away. My life seems so completely pointless at the moment. Not like “my life sucks and I should kill myself”, just like…I don’t know. Like I’m wasting my time.

I find it absolutely ironic that my iTunes (random mode, obviously) decided to jump to Xystus’ “A Tale of the Heart” right after Healing Winds. The “Lost In Misery Trilogy”, in which that song is the first part, has been making me want to tear my heart out recently.

Xystus - Lost in Misery Trilogy: I. A Tale of the Heart
(On YouTube)

Yes, I’m already thinking about which BJD I want to get next, simply because even if I decide which one I want today, I probably won’t have it this year anyway. Saving up money + production time + shipping = months. I’m having a REALLY hard time choosing though, and if anyone who reads this feels like it I’d love if you had a look at my wishlist and told me which dolls on there you like. I’m currently leaning towards one of these (though it may change at any time):

Dollzone Ying (suntan) - 70 cm - $545
FelixDoll Small Comfort - 7,8 cm - $108
Fairyland Puki Chocopuki Cupid (+ Cochon parts) - 11,2 cm - $270 + $25 = $295
Dollmore Paran twins, male and female - 43,5 cm - $260 + $260 = $520

I have character ideas for all of them (and several other dolls…) except for Small Comfort; I really just want that one because it’s the smallest BJD I’ve ever heard of and it’s fucking adorable. Ying would be a steampunk doctor, the Puki would (with some modification) be a faun, and uh yeah I have ideas for the Paran twins as well. I’m mostly leaning towards the Puki, but he’s so tiny, I’m more interested in the bigger dolls but at the same time…faun……

I’m in school, we’re having lunch break, and Jack’s class is away somewhere the entire day (and yesterday), so I figured I might as well update here. I’ve been meaning to for about a week, but I haven’t gotten around to it, and I’ve been ill since Thursday or so. Actually I wish I had stayed at home today, but since I’ve been home yesterday as well as Thursday and Friday last week, mum thinks they’re gonna kick me out if I’m away more. Yeah right.. I’ve been away for a total of like 6~7 days this semester, I’m pretty damn safe.

Anyway, a week ago I went to some examination. I’m in this scientific project called LifeGene, which means that I first had to fill out a huge online survey, and then go to this examination. They checked my height, weight, lung capacity, did a hearing test and god knows what. I also had to leave a urine sample and a….blood sample.

Now, syringes is probably my worst phobia, and the reason why I’m not getting that stupid swine flu vaccine. However, I had some moment of revelation and thought I’d sacrifice myself for science or whatever. However, once there - sitting in the chair with some nurse poking my arms to find a nice blood vessel - I didn’t feel quite as confident. So I asked if they could give anaesthesia, and sure they could put on a plaster, but it would have to stay on for an hour to have effect. So I decided to stay there for an hour, had two pears and a cup of hot chocolate while waiting.

Then when it was time for the sting, I closed my eyes and tried to pretend nothing was happening. They shoved the syringe in, and…..nothing. No blood. Apparently, because I was so nervous (I was actually shaking), I got tense and my blood vessels decided to close themselves. I sat there for a couple of minutes, trying to calm down, and after a while - since I still had my eyes closed and wasn’t actually noticing anything - I just started to feel ridiculous rather than afraid.

Eventually they decided to settle with the little blood they had gotten out of me, because they were starting to feel like they were just tormenting me. They were supposed to get eight tubes of blood. They got two. 2/8. They tried to be all encouraging and told me I was really strong for letting them even try, but I just felt empty. I went through all that and all they got out of me was two tubes.

I’m not sure how this is going to affect my future blood samples. In a way I suppose it’s settling to know that I really don’t even notice it if I have anaesthesia and close my eyes, but at the same time it’s really creepy and discouraging to know that my blood vessels might just close up like that. Unfortunately I believe the latter will affect me the most, as I’ve already tried anaesthesia once before, and though it went well (that time I was also listening to music, with my head inside Emil’s shirt), I still felt so bad this time, I guess my mind shuts out any previous good experiences. After all, the usual definition of a phobia is “irrational fear”.

Somehow this entry sounds kinda like an essay for school or something to me. Anyway, I’ve wanted to let this out for a week, so here you go.