Apathy
I listened to the song Healing Winds (the background music from the museum in Soul Calibur III) without crying today, for the first time since me and Emil broke up about 2,5 years ago. I have extremely strong associations with that song, from the day we consider the day we got together. At first after he’d broken up I couldn’t even listen to the whole song - I had extremely bad mental breakdowns and had to turn it off. Maybe a year ago or so I could listen to the whole song, but not without crying at least a little. I still feel very melancholic listening to it, I had to stop browsing Etsy for a couple of minutes and close my eyes, but I don’t cry anymore. I seem to never cry anymore. I used to cry a lot - because of anything, more or less - but not the last few months. I just feel so apathetic all the time nowadays. Sure I have moments of joy and sadness, but as soon as I’m left alone I seem to just go into some apathy-mode. I sit here hitting the update button on some websites, occasionally grabbing a pen, doodling something on my computer table, and then wiping it away. My life seems so completely pointless at the moment. Not like “my life sucks and I should kill myself”, just like…I don’t know. Like I’m wasting my time.
I find it absolutely ironic that my iTunes (random mode, obviously) decided to jump to Xystus’ “A Tale of the Heart” right after Healing Winds. The “Lost In Misery Trilogy”, in which that song is the first part, has been making me want to tear my heart out recently.
Xystus - Lost in Misery Trilogy: I. A Tale of the Heart
(On YouTube)