Pumpkin Wings

I’ve cleaned out my bookshelf, turned it so the sun won’t reach it, reinforced the middle shelf, put in the tank and filled it with sand and water. I don’t want to start adding the plants and wood yet as I’ll (together with a lovely branch) be using an old piece of wood which me and Emil had with the CRS. I’d like to have it here before I decorate and stuff as it’s probably the largest object I’ll have in the tank and I wanna “decorate around it”.

Emil will get here on Sunday evening, taking the wood with him so I can finish the aquarium (well except the filter, which I don’t yet have). Monday we will pick up ten snowball shrimp in Hässelby and check out some non-tank related stores. I’d like to find some offbrand lolita accessories and if possible a blouse, while Emil wants cargo pants. On Tuesday we’ll pick up the lights for the tank and see if the filter has arrived (the dude in the store hadn’t wanted to order them during the summer, but now I was the third person to request one so he’ll be getting them for me and the others). Then we’ll buy the filter shrimps! I can’t wait! Then, Wednesday is my birthday. We’ll visit my grandparents, then get back to the city for dinner out (me, Emil and mum), and then me and Emil are off to his place as I have an appointment with my psychologist in Norrtälje on Thusday. I’ll probably just spend a few days in Skebo and then get back to look after the shrimps~

Busy week, oh yes.
Pictures of the shrimpies will come as soon as I have them.

I haven’t updated in ages (obviously), been debating with myself about removing the latest post, but decided against it. It’s so hard to describe exactly how I feel about the whole self harm thing (well I still despise it - I do get pissed at myself for doing it, which also adds to my desire to cut more) but to sum it up it’s one of those “do it properly or don’t do it at all” things to me.

Leaving that subject now.

I haven’t really had much time to update lately even if I wanted to, I’ve been hanging out with Emil a lot. We’ve been taking evening walks as often as we can lately (though only when we’re in Stockholm as there are too many mosquitos in Skebo), the days have been horribly hot so we’ve tried to do more indoors stuff then, like going to museums. We’ve also went to aquarium stores/pet shops more than usual to find stuff for my aquarium. Mum is giving me money for one for my birthday! We’ve ordered a 70x25x25 tank which we’ll be picking up next week hopefully, and then I’ll have to get plants, a filter, etc. In there I’ll be housing a bunch of snowball shrimp (aka white pearl) - and two African filter shrimps! I’m super excited about that, I’ve found two gorgeous little shrimpies at a pet shop on Södermalm.

Right now we’re at Emil’s house. It’s been much cooler outside the last two days and I would had loved to go out for a walk today, but Emil is feeling really ill and has been sleeping all day. Hopefully he’ll be better tomorrow. I can occupy myself with MapleStory while he’s sleeping, it’s no problem at all, but I’d rather do stuff with him of course, especially when I’m not at home.

Shrimp links:
Snowball shrimp
African filter shrimp

Well OK, no. I hate humankind most of the time.

It’s 3:14 (lolpi) and I’ve spent the last half hour or so listening to David Bowie and sorting beads to keep my mind off cutting myself. My new psychiatrist decided to take out her books and actually diagnose me with depression and anxiety, so we’ll know what to work on. I got a list of things to do when I have anxiety attacks to prevent hurting myself, and sorting beads was on there. I love sorting stuff, so me and Emil went and bought four bottles with a total of 14000 beads. The thing is I don’t cut myself to get rid of anxiety usually, but rather because I get fucking pissed at myself. However, now seemed like a really bad time to cut for several reasons, so beads it is.

Since I first cut my wrist (total impulse, I never wanted to actually show my scars) I’ve just kept feeling that I need to make worse and worse wounds, because if they’re visible anyway I should try to make them as bad as possible so I don’t look like I just want attention. The logic in that? Well people who really want attention will only cut enough for it to show, I want serious scars like the ones on my legs. I know I’m going to look like a retarded attention whore either way, but in my mind I won’t, and that’s what matters as that’s what will satisfy me and in the end make me stop.

I’m going to try to sleep soon, going to read a bit first. I started reading Doktor Glas recently and the beginning is wonderfully promisingly cynical. Oh, and the title and first sentence? Well I don’t know if those are related to the post at all, but it’s true c:

I’m making a photo album for Emil’s mum with pictures I’ve taken of the cats over the years. Her birthday was yesterday and I wanted to make her a present because she’s helped me a lot the last few months and it’s basically thanks to her I now have contacts with the psychiatrists, doctors and uh.. Other helpful people in Norrtälje (they did turn out to be MUCH better than in Stockholm). Emil said she would probably love some pictures of Zeke (who passed away 2,5 years ago) together with Felicia. I didn’t have many good ones, but there was one very nice picture where the only problem was that Zeke’s eyes were HUGE green spotlights. For those who might not know: cats don’t get red eyes from the flash, they get green/yellow eyes. I decided to retouch it together with a couple of other spotlight-eyed pictures (none nearly as bad though). My mum just got out of bed to pee, and I showed her the picture I had just finished and the original to see if she thought it looked decent. Her reaction was “omg you can make stuff like that?”, so I’m assuming it’s good enough. When it’s a smaller size and printed it’ll probably show even less.

I’m not sure why I found this worthy of a blog post, I guess I’m just enjoying fixing stuff for people and wanted to update. I’m feeling really good atm, but oh so tired now. For some reason I tend to be in the bloggiest mood around 1-2 am…

The retouched picture (Felicia - red, Zeke - black):

I’ve been at Emil’s house the last week. We bought more kuhlis (we have four now) and six galaxy rasboras, everything’s alive and seems to be doing very well. One of the crabs moved into one of the tiny amphoras we have for decoration in the tank, the kuhli swim around more than expected, the fish are still a bit shy but they’ll come to the front of the aquarium when you’re not standing there staring at them. The shrimps are completely awesome; they all love hanging upside down in the floating plants we have. That or catching a ride on the poor assassin snails. Now all that’s missing is a big, nice salt water tank with a Goldentail moray and one of those ridiculously large shrimps that I don’t know the name of (we’re talking like 15 cm shrimp here). That’s my big tank dream.

I promise the next update won’t be about the tank unless something really dramatic happens to it. I’ve had lots of meetings and stuff that I could write about, I’m just too tired right now (2 am - time to sleep). Hm, OK, actually I lied. The next update will hopefully be pictures of the new tank inhabitants. I just transfered them to the computer while writing this, but I’m too tired to do the resizing etc and put them in this entry.