Pumpkin Wings

I got a comment from Lina on the last entry with a link to a tutorial for application of fake beards. Thank you, and point taken. However, as I have absolutely no make-up skills, I think the beard would look fake enough to make people view me as a dressed up girl. I’ll look into tutorials for stubble or something, I recall there being a quite easy method which involved no fake hair…

I’m really happy to have an appointment with a gender therapist. When I heard about “bigender” a few years ago I felt like everything just snapped into place, but now that I’ve come to terms with not only being female but having a male side as well, I’m starting to get confused again. I wonder if my male side is just looking to compensate for all the years we’ve been “apart”, or if I really would want to have a sex change. I’ve discussed it with Emil, and at the moment I want my breasts removed but nothing more. In Sweden sex change also means forced sterilization - you’re not even allowed to save eggs/sperm in a bank. If I ever decide on getting children it will be with a man, and if we could have kids who are biologically connected to both of us, then I bloody well want that!

I’m packing Thomas’ birthday gifts atm. He’s getting a book (Pettson! Swedish children’s classic), a stuffed monkey I’ve sewn to look like a MapleStory pet, a monkey-shaped bell on a cell phone strap which I ordered from Japan and two monkey hair clips (I bought pairs, and I only ever use the left-side clips). I’m also sending along some Djungelvrål (Swedish candy), because I sent him some last time and apparently his brother loved them. I love giving people stuff, especially figuring out what to give them! Emil’s birthday was last week and I gave him a book, a stamp with Mårran (Moomin character, I don’t know her English name..), a dinner at a Chinese restaurant and tickets to watch Toy Story 3 after the dinner. Not very imaginative, but I was too stressed out about money to be able to think about gifts the way I usually do. Thomas’ gifts have kinda been collected over the summer.

Talking about money.. As I said before, I haven’t had an income since June. The doctor was gonna put me on sick leave but sent in the wrong paper, then when she finally got them in there was a 3 month turn-around time, so while waiting for that money (which I’ll hopefully get this year) I was supposed to have some other shit (I don’t know the English words for this stuff, but for Swedes: waiting for aktivitetsersättning, should get sjukpenning meanwhile). When we hadn’t heard anything about it for some weeks mum called the uh.. Dudes who handle the requests, and they said apparently I’m not allowed any “sjukpenning”, which my doctor said I was. Lovely! I had a meltdown and threw everything within reach against the floor, and mum gave me some money while we wait for the aktivitetsersättning. I’m so pissed, the doctor promised this would all be done by the end of August.

I wanted to write about something more, but I have no idea what.. I guess I’ll get to it later.

I’m alive. Everything’s pretty much like always, except I’m extremely stressed out about my economy (haven’t had an income since June) - especially as Emil’s birthday is on Thursday and Thomas’ is next week I believe. Oh well, I’ve managed to get them gifts.

I’ve taken my sleep pills and shouldn’t write too much, because I’ll get totally carried away if I do, but I just wanted to say that I finally got a time for a meeting with a gender specialised psychiatrist. It’s on January 5, but hey, I expected to have to wait. There are only two of those clinics in Sweden as far as I understand it, and I’m blessed with one just a short train ride away.

I’m so confused about my gender atm. I’ve discussed it very seriously with Emil, and he’s being supportive. He says if I get a sex change he probably won’t break up, but he really can’t picture the situation and thus can’t promise anything. He swears he won’t break up if I get a beard, though, and he won’t be ashamed of showing himself together with me. This year I’ve really felt stronger and stronger that I do want a sex change, but it’s not worth it if I lose him. As much as I’d like to have a penis, people won’t notice anyway. I don’t tend to show myself naked in public. A beard on the other hand can take away any doubt when I want people to look at me as a man, but I can shave it off when I want to dress lolita or such. Or leave it, if I feel rebellious.

The lolita thing is one of the things that make me so uncertain. I feel very strongly and deeply that I should be a man, but then again I’m attracted to men (I don’t want to say straight or gay atm, so you’ll see me use the word androphile), and I change my clothing style with my mood. Somedays I dress like a casual guy, sometimes I dress casually but with a skirt or dress, sometimes I wear very androgyne clothes. I wear old school metal clothes sometimes, decora-influensed sometimes, lolita sometimes, seizure-inducing neonfest sometimes, all white sometimes, a casual buttoned shirt with jeans sometimes… I don’t stick with a style, I do most of them.

So, if I was to say that I really am a man, I would be a transexual, gay crossdresser. Now trans-communities make it very clear that this exists, but it’s just too far-fetched, it’s just a “that won’t happen to me” kind of thing, one that I feel that people would never ever take seriously. It’s killing me - I just want to know who the fuck I am!