Monday: My longest day, school ends 4:10. Carl and Daniel (the more annoying one which I don’t think I’ve mentioned before) asked me if I wanted to have coffee or something with them, and I figured I might as well, after all Daniel is probably getting kicked out from school soon because he’s always ill and barely ever there, and it might be nice to talk to him a bit before that. I was stupid enough to mention to him that I’d like to start doing kendo; apparently he used to do kendo some years ago, and now he’s determined to make me train with him. I’m not sure I want to see him twice a week, he’s a bit too annoying for that..
Daniel and Carl:

Tuesday: Played MapleStory the whole evening, talked with Thomas. Hadn’t played in 2 days because of server check, and they were about to have a patch on Wednesday, so yeah, had to play while it was available.

Wednesday: Jesus, this could very well have its own entry. Ima try to keep this short anyway. After school Daniel (the other one, the dude I like the best out of my classmates) made me come with him, Martina, Marion, Erik, Låtta and Pedro and “have a beer”. As anyone who knows me at all knows I don’t drink alcohol, so I had a Fanta instead (OK more like several Fanta, because everyone else felt sorry for me because I didn’t have any beer or something and kept ordering me Fanta). Of course “a beer” ended up like “a beer” always seems to end up, everyone got rather drunk, we all went to Låtta’s place and had dinner (and some more drinks, I mixed a NASTY non-alcohol one), and then went on to meet Pedro (who left the beer drinking earlier) at a pub on Södermalm. Marion had a bit too much to drink and bought nachos without paying for them, then when the pub workers came to take it back she got all pissed and well, she ended up actually paying, and thought she had paid for it four times and yeah, around midnight we decided it was time to leave. Overall it was an awesome evening.
Daniel, Erik, Martina, Pedro, Låtta, back of Marion’s head:

Thursday: The class went to Naturhistoriska Riksmuséet, a museum - should be pretty easy to figure from the name. I was pretty hyper, and me and Daniel more or less bounced around the place poking all the poor dinosaur models in the eyes. It was a really nice visit though. Being born and raised in Stockholm I’ve been there several times, with school as well as on my own, but it’s always interesting. They also had some new stuff this year. Afterwards me, Daniel, Pedro, Marion, Ulrika, Carl and Muhanned went for coffee. Marion and Muhanned went home earlier than the rest of us, who decided to go to Lagerhaus (some store with cheap but often fairly interesting stuff). We had a pretty good time pointing out ridiculous stuff I could buy Jack for Christmas (apparently my crush on him is this year’s most poorly-kept “secret”, not that I mention it to anyone but they all thought it was obvious and have been bothering me about it quite a bit this week). Seems everyone’s decided that I HAVE to ask him out before Christmas. So not happening.

Friday: Christmas lunch with school. I was still totally hyper for whatever reason and spent half the lunch building towers with people’s glasses, bottle caps, tooth picks and napkins. I was sitting with Jack, Robert and Kristoffer, so I’m sure some of the hyperness came from me being hella nervous, but it seems I managed to annoy AND amuse them. Gotta make up for that this coming week. It was a pretty nice lunch, not that the food was spectacular or anything, but me and the boys enjoyed ourselves.
Kristoffer and Robert:

When I got home MapleStory was done patching, and I’ve more or less been playing since then, the entire Saturday included. They’ve added a new job - Aran - and me and Thomas made Arans named MrsAlishar and MrAlishar. Ima play some more as soon as I’m done writing here. As I said, this has been a busy week, but a nice one. I’ve obviously spent a lot of time with my classmates, and while I wouldn’t want to do this every week, it was a nice change. I’m really going to miss Daniel a lot after Christmas (still talking about the nicer, non-kendo one). He, Pedro, Martina and Ulrika will be done with school after this semester. OK this is more than long enough now, and yet I haven’t exactly went into details. I should had made posts about all of the days on their own, but I didn’t have time.

My dad is so fucked up. He’s made very clear that he doesn’t want to hear from or about me, but a few days ago he called mum and asked her to ask me if I knew how to contact Ian Haugland, because some woman he knows needed to do that, and he remembered I’d sent Ian a birthday wish by e-mail some years ago. Oh, so NOW I’m useful, eh?

Bah, I don’t even know what I wanted to say, just felt like updating. This blog is so useless, yet I somehow enjoy running it. I wish I had more than, like, two readers however, but I really don’t know who else would be interested. I need to write more interesting stuff..

There are 13 of these at the Mameshiba Official Fan Channel, and it seems they’re adding more!

I’m getting along better with my classmates. I still don’t like most of them, but I can stand them for limited amounts of time. While I don’t want to hang out with most of them after school it’s fine to have lunch with them and such. Almost all of them must think that they are my ONE friend in the school, because whoever I’m with I tend to say a lot of shit about whoever isn’t present atm. The only person I really like would be Daniel. Well we have two Daniels, but yeah, one of them. I’m also liking Dennis better lately, but I’m very split about him. Muhanned is nice too, but he’s a bit too easy to insult for me to feel comfortable around him.

Jack is still lovely of course. I don’t lunch with him and his friends every day though, because if we don’t have the lesson before lunch together they tend to leave for lunch before my lesson ends. I actually think that’s good though; I’d feel too clingy if I ALWAYS went with them.

Mum left for a trip to Gothenburg with her job this morning. Before 8pm both she and grandma had called me to check if I was doing alright. I should probably be glad someone cares, and in grandma’s case I’m fine with it, but mum on the other hand… I just get the feeling of being watched. She’s always treating me like I’m still 10. It’s not like I’m 18 and *barely* an adult now - I’m fucking TWENTY.

She’ll come back on Thursday. It’s gonna be DAMN nice to be alone for a bit, even if it’s really just two days. I really want to move out, but I also want to have someone to move in with, and I don’t. I don’t think I’d be able to handle living on my own. Maybe it’d work if I had people (other than mum) who could visit me OFTEN, but I don’t. Oh well, I guess one day I will.

Oh, one of the best things about being home alone overnight: sleeping naked. I’ve also been looking into getting some male underwear so I can walk around topless and feel manly, but I barely even know where to start looking. Anyone knows of a brand that makes colourful undies for men?

I’ve been thinking about the stuff we talked about, especially my relationship with Tobias. Daniel told me Tobias has a new girlfriend, which did sadden me, but imagining that Tobias would agree to give our relationship another try I still don’t think I would actually want to. I’m not in love with him anymore, which is of course a good thing. So what’s the problem? I’m starting to think that I have some kind of stupid need to “own” people. I don’t love him, I don’t particularly miss him, but when he manages to find someone else.. Punch in the face. I couldn’t care less about him if he was single; I wouldn’t try to get him back or anything, but THIS bothers me even though I STILL don’t want him back. I just want him to remain available for some reason that is beyond me. It’s actually more or less the same with all my exes, except Emil I suppose, as I actually would take Emil back.

Conclusion: I am a fucking obsessive bitch who wants to own people’s lives. Can’t be healthy.

I find it absolutely ironic that my iTunes (random mode, obviously) decided to jump to Xystus’ “A Tale of the Heart” right after Healing Winds. The “Lost In Misery Trilogy”, in which that song is the first part, has been making me want to tear my heart out recently.

Xystus - Lost in Misery Trilogy: I. A Tale of the Heart
(On YouTube)

Dollzone Ying (suntan) - 70 cm - $545
FelixDoll Small Comfort - 7,8 cm - $108
Fairyland Puki Chocopuki Cupid (+ Cochon parts) - 11,2 cm - $270 + $25 = $295
Dollmore Paran twins, male and female - 43,5 cm - $260 + $260 = $520

I have character ideas for all of them (and several other dolls…) except for Small Comfort; I really just want that one because it’s the smallest BJD I’ve ever heard of and it’s fucking adorable. Ying would be a steampunk doctor, the Puki would (with some modification) be a faun, and uh yeah I have ideas for the Paran twins as well. I’m mostly leaning towards the Puki, but he’s so tiny, I’m more interested in the bigger dolls but at the same time…faun……

Anyway, a week ago I went to some examination. I’m in this scientific project called LifeGene, which means that I first had to fill out a huge online survey, and then go to this examination. They checked my height, weight, lung capacity, did a hearing test and god knows what. I also had to leave a urine sample and a….blood sample.

Now, syringes is probably my worst phobia, and the reason why I’m not getting that stupid swine flu vaccine. However, I had some moment of revelation and thought I’d sacrifice myself for science or whatever. However, once there - sitting in the chair with some nurse poking my arms to find a nice blood vessel - I didn’t feel quite as confident. So I asked if they could give anaesthesia, and sure they could put on a plaster, but it would have to stay on for an hour to have effect. So I decided to stay there for an hour, had two pears and a cup of hot chocolate while waiting.

Then when it was time for the sting, I closed my eyes and tried to pretend nothing was happening. They shoved the syringe in, and…..nothing. No blood. Apparently, because I was so nervous (I was actually shaking), I got tense and my blood vessels decided to close themselves. I sat there for a couple of minutes, trying to calm down, and after a while - since I still had my eyes closed and wasn’t actually noticing anything - I just started to feel ridiculous rather than afraid.

Eventually they decided to settle with the little blood they had gotten out of me, because they were starting to feel like they were just tormenting me. They were supposed to get eight tubes of blood. They got two. 2/8. They tried to be all encouraging and told me I was really strong for letting them even try, but I just felt empty. I went through all that and all they got out of me was two tubes.

I’m not sure how this is going to affect my future blood samples. In a way I suppose it’s settling to know that I really don’t even notice it if I have anaesthesia and close my eyes, but at the same time it’s really creepy and discouraging to know that my blood vessels might just close up like that. Unfortunately I believe the latter will affect me the most, as I’ve already tried anaesthesia once before, and though it went well (that time I was also listening to music, with my head inside Emil’s shirt), I still felt so bad this time, I guess my mind shuts out any previous good experiences. After all, the usual definition of a phobia is “irrational fear”.

Somehow this entry sounds kinda like an essay for school or something to me. Anyway, I’ve wanted to let this out for a week, so here you go.

Today’s Vedran’s birthday. I noticed it on Facebook and considered wishing him a happy birthday, but decided against it. Not that I think any of us would actually find it bad and/or all that weird, I’m just too shy as usual. Sometimes I think it’d be nice to stay in touch with him, but I really don’t miss him as much as I miss Emil or even Tobias.

Talking about Emil, I had a small emotional outburst today, or whatever you’d call it. I still can’t get over him, and I’m starting to feel really lame about it, especially since I’ve had two other boyfriends since he left me, and actually am interested in Jack right now. The only time I’ve felt like I was actually about to get over him was the couple of weeks when mine and Tobias’ relationship was at its best. Then as soon as it started going downhill I started missing Emil again.

But ah, I can’t start rambling about that right now, I have to go to bed. Gotta get up at 8 tomorrow and catch the train to Gothenburg, where I’ll be staying with Lina for 3 days. Gonna be really nice to get away from here even if only for a few days, and of course nice to see Lina again - even if it wasn’t even a week since last time, it doesn’t happen all too often.

In other news, I’m so tired I barely know what I’m writing, which is why I try to stay brief about every subject. I hope I’m at least making sense.